Haruka Gets Ax'ed
by writer-jm
Summary: During a trip to the mall, Uranus get exposed to body spray. Chaos ensues when it attracts a lot of female attention. Shoujoai!


Here's another spur of the moment inspiration idea! Okay, not really. I've been watching the Ax and Tag commercials for such a long time (to the point of nausea). Who wouldn't be tempted to turn this into a shoujo-ai story (or imagining some cute little lesbian like Himeko getting sprayed)? Sadly, I haven't heard about anyone doing this, so I finally managed to produce something.

I'm not sure if lesbians would find these unique products useful. I wouldn't recommend it from the smell.

I'd also like to apologize for the extreme lack of updating! Everyone has issues, I might actually be getting over mine… for a bit. Plus, I'm actually trying to read actual books! But I'm trying to mix it up in between reading, writing, emailing, and playing video games.

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon. I also don't own the body spray product mentioned jokingly.

Speaking "…"  
Thoughts '…'  
Comments (…)

Haruka Gets Ax'ed

Uranus was wary. The senshi knew she was in enemy territory. She tried to stretch out her senses before the assault would come.

She paused at one point, taking in her surroundings. 'The coast looks clear, but…'

"Would you like a free sample, sir?" A merry voice chimed to her right.

'Damn, they've spotted me!' She waved her hands to deny her interest, yet the plucky saleswoman was experienced, taking in the well-dressed nature of her potential customer with a cream colored suit and tie.

"I could just spray a little on your wrist…" Haruka shook her head and tried to sidestep the woman who seemed more persistent than Usagi on her way to Rei's temple.

The saleswoman looked frustrated, but didn't drop her professional smile. "I suppose I should move straight to our best imports… You have such a refined taste, young man."

Haruka grit her teeth. 'Sir? Young man? If we weren't in a mall right now…' Haruka had been trying to dress less ambiguously since she had gotten married to Michiru. 'But I'm just too damned handsome!' She inwardly cursed… and gloated. Little did she know what fate had in store for her...

The woman pulled out a new bottle from the counter as if she were Indiana Jones recovering his whip. "Here we go! This item is especially popular with young American males. They say with just one spray, you'll have hot women all over you." She ended with a suggestive smile.

Haruka was suddenly interested. 'I wonder if it would work on me?' Her mind was flung into a stranger daydream involving Usagi as her French tutor; and she knew Usagi didn't know that much French (except for kissing).

Then, her conscience came back online and dropped kicked her fantasy (gently, since it was her cute little Bunny), replacing it with image of her aqua-haired goddess, making her smile.

The saleswoman took this smile as a "go ahead" sign and proceeded to absolutely douse the tomboy in spray, head-to-toe.

Haruka coughed and sputtered as the "sample" burned into her lungs. "That's awful!" The Senshi of Uranus declared, stumbling away with watery eyes.

------

Haruka came out of the men's bathroom (out of habit, of course) feeling better. She had managed to get her eyes to stop stinging and took some aspirin for the headache-to-be.

'I'm getting out of here. There are other places to find a present for Hotaru's birthday.'

She sighed, entering the mall parking lot. 'I can't believe I forgot…' Setsuna had dropped her off at the mall, because a mechanic friend of hers had offered to add some horsepower to her car. So, for now, she was a pedestrian.

'Where to go?' Haruka pondered. 'Perhaps a bookstore? Hotaru seems to enjoy reading when she's not chasing after Chibi-Usa.' She chuckled at how cute their daughter was. 'Like father, like daughter!' She laughed out loud, before becoming slightly self-conscious.

Then, she heard the sound of women sniffing like bloodhounds around her. 'That's odd. Do they smell smoke?'

Then, as a group, the women turned to look at Haruka with a predatory look in their eyes. Haruka was familiar with Michi's heated glance, but these made the racer feel anxious.

They pounced.

They pounced on her like jaguars on a wounded steak.

The resulting impact of 5 or so women (hard to tell) into the tall blonde sent them all hurtling into some shrubbery.

Haruka suddenly felt claustrophobic with so many female physiques pressed against her. She had wondered how her teenage fantasies had become young adult fears. As one woman nibbled on her ear, another was positioning herself to better demonstrate her cleavage.

Uranus clenched her hand and felt her ring, her wedding ring. 'Oh crap! I soooo don't want to get into trouble over this!'

The bishonen blonde wiggled her way out of the dog pile of disappointed damsels, only sacrificing her coat. Using her skills as a track runner, she managed to outrun the pack, barely.

As she caught her breath, she looked around for a place to hide. 'A tour bus for senior citizens? All right, absolutely no libido there!"

She skipped happily into the bus, assured of her safety.

Four minutes later, she made a bedraggled escape. She stopped for a second to shrug off a few brassieres. 'No wonder grandpa never smiles…' She shivered.

The sound of canes and walkers in swift succession sent her speeding away.

-----

No runner has an unlimited fuel tank. Haruka felt this sharply as her stomach growled. Fortunately, she found a quiet stretch of street and a nearly empty café with only two old men playing checkers.

"Rough day?" The waiter asked as she sat down in a slump.

"I didn't think I would make it this far." The waiter laughed as he left to fill her food order. 'I didn't know there were women taxi drivers!' And they were still hunting for her too.

Haruka managed to enjoy most of her meal before she noticed the clock. 'Isn't it about time for…?'

She heard giggles and chattering as the door opened. 'Oh no! High school girls!' As calmly as she could, she left money for her meal and inched her way to the door, keeping a wary eye on the energetic booth that was occupied by the group of girls.

'Home free,' was her last thought before a pair of stragglers tackled her at the door. She was further horrified as she heard the group at the booth come charging.

Luckily, all they kept were her pants (and only a little of her dignity). That was okay. She was tough, especially since she was wearing her favorite pair of bunny boxers.

She loosened her tie as she walked into the park. She knew she was risking a lot. The likelihood of a youma attack had to have tripled considering how defenseless she felt. The blonde also wondered if there was going to be a hickie from the girl with the ponytail.

Haruka decided to take a shortcut and avoid the sidewalks. Her nose caught wind of a new interesting smell. Still hungry, her stomach over-rode her brain and led her on another detour.

She ended up on the edge of a picnic area. 'Oh my God, it's like a sorority!'

Of course, her assumption was incorrect; it was actually a group from a women's college in Australia, who were grilling.

Haruka felt the bottom of her stomach drop out as they turned and charged as one, like an army.

The brave Senshi managed to lose them by climbing a tree and throwing her shoes as a distraction.

Haruka knew just enough English to recognize "Fan out" and "must be close."

After a few minutes of waiting, she deemed it safe enough to return to ground level. She was wrong.

A redhead quickly pinned her to the ground as her blonde accomplice pulled off Haruka's tie. 'Oh no!' she thought as they went for the buttons on her shirt.

With a tremendous effort, she managed a judo flip to unseat the redhead. However, the blonde kept a strong grip on her shirt and buttons popped off, revealing her bra to the entire world.

Torn between retrieving her shirt and retreat, her decision was made as she noticed the rest of the college girls regrouping.

The redhead looked at the blonde. "I was getting worried for a moment! I thought we'd gone straight!" They laughed and shared a quick kiss before they went back in pursuit, hand-in-hand.

Haruka knew she was getting close to a road, but the gaggle of girls seemed to be gaining.

Suddenly, a car stopped and a door swung open invitingly.

"Mrs. Aino?!" Haruka had only a second to ponder before she threw caution to the wind and got into the car. 'She's only one woman (famous last words?).'

"I thought I told you that you could call me Allison," she purred. She kindly turned down the air conditioning to prevent Haruka from getting a chill. As the flow of air died down, she sniffed.

'Oh crap. Should I tuck and roll?' Haruka thought.

Mrs. Aino gave her a devious smile. "So that's what happened. You got sprayed didn't you?"

Haruka nodded, numbly. "That crazy woman covered me in it!" She paused. "Wait, how come you're not affected?"

"I built up immunity; I've used it enough times…" She laughed which failed to comfort the other woman.

A short drive later, they pulled up to the Outers' house. Haruka was practically speechless. Mrs. Aino was the only woman not to throw herself at her. "I don't know how to thank you for saving me."

Mrs. Aino once again demonstrated her inhuman speed by darting across the seat and kissing her passionately on the lips. Haruka panicked as she felt the woman's arms snake around her.

The racer quickly found the door handle and not so gracefully spilled out onto her sidewalk.

As she stood to her feet, Mrs. Aino lowered the passenger window and tossed Haruka's wallet at her. The Senshi was torn between embarrassment and gratitude.

…until the grinning Aino matriarch waved a familiar white bra in the air - hers.

Haruka's hands snapped up to cover her assets before Mrs. Aino giggled and sped away.

The racer slumped off in defeat to a door where certain doom would await her. 'There's no way in hell I can explain this. Unless she's affected by the spray too…'

The biggest surprise was that Michiru had been waiting for her. She was laughing as she opened the door. "Looks like Mrs. Aino won the bet."

"Bet? What bet?" The tomboy was happy not to be in the dog house, but was ultimately confused.

"She bet me that she could deliver you to our front door in just your boxers!"

Haruka gulped. "What did she win?"

"Whatever she could get before that point... I see she all ready got a kiss and your bra. We said we would negotiate for the rest."

"The rest?!"

----

Mrs. Aino laughed over the phone. "Thanks for spraying her! I wasn't sure how to get it on her otherwise."

"No problem, Allison. You are one of our best customers!"

----

Haruka spent the next few hours online looking for Hotaru's birthday gift.

End

Omake 'Last Temptation'

Haruka sighed. It was embarrassing to be walking out in public without pants. To save time and shame, she decided on the quickest and most direct route.

Her mistake was that she didn't realize that her route would take her by the Crown Parlor, a favorite gathering of the Senshi.

In a daze, she looked into a window. There staring back at her was her princess, Usagi Tsukino, frozen mid-bite into a Super Sundae.

The cute little nose twitched before her eyes took on a glaze, before she put down her spoon.

'And hell has officially frozen over…' Haruka thought before she took off at a run.

She had gotten a good distance away when she heard: "Uranus! In the name of the Moon, I command you to stop!"

Haruka had to walk the rest of the way home with Sailor Moon wrapped around her, nuzzling her ear and fiddling with her bra.

Haruka wondered how it could get any worse.

Then, Mrs. Aino pulled up.

End omake

So how was my return to the Sailor Moon area? I know it's not "The Wedding" that some of you are hoping for and it's not any requests from "Sets on the Case," but I hope it shows that I'm still here. I haven't given up on writing and won't. As long as I have a message of love, kindness, or just plain silliness, I want to use these printed words to speak my mind – my disturbed, yet philosophical mind.

Thanks for reading! Review if you will.


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